Finding home

My life over the past few months has been nothing short of chaotic, fun, miserable, meaningful, and frustrating. For you bloggers out there, one of the most notable things that has occurred is that my computer has died. There is no bringing it back in the near future, and I've even had my Internet cancelled at home. Surprisingly, I haven't really missed having 24/7 access to the Internet (who are we kidding, what I really mean is 27/7 access to facebook). Every once in a while, I wince because I've missed an important email or message, but other than that, it's really been nice to focus my energies on other things.

Ballroom dancing has really taken over my life; it's crazy. Not a day goes by that I don't dance...even if just for a few seconds. Being a single woman can make the love of dance quite frustrating. For those of us ladies out there who refuse to step out of our role as the pursued, this can mean sitting out during many great songs...many dances not danced. The desire to be sought after does not dissipate when one steps into the dance hall. There's something about dancing that changes a woman. I don't know if it's just me, but it's almost this Cinderella experience. You're sitting there, and this wonderful song comes on, then out of no where a gentleman comes and asks you to dance. You spin, glide, laugh and get wrapped up in the rhythm, the sweet melody, and if you're lucky...your partner. It can be an intoxicating experience. For a moment, you feel beautiful, carefree and happy. Now please don't get too bogged down in the romantic side of ballroom dancing, it can be maddening when you can't seem to get the steps right, you're off rhythm, and the cologne of one of your dance partners just won't seem to wash off...even after using a Brillo pad to scrub your skin. Ah yes, even after nights like that, I still love dancing. I could go on about it, but I think you catch my drift.

I find myself becoming more settled in my life. I'm starting to get more involved with my community, and really taking a look at what being an active, productive citizen means to me. At the moment, I'm starting small...coaching a little league team, and being part of a homeless coalition. Hopefully, I'll add to my activities more over the next few years. My schedule is seriously getting jam packed each week. At first my weekends were sort of wide open, but not those are also requiring a good bit of coordination. Both this coming Friday and Saturday, I may attempt to be in 3 different places at once.

I like being busy, though. It keeps me out of trouble. I'm not sure if literally not having time to get into trouble really counts as triumphing over temptation...probably not. The real test comes in the quite. What do you think about...dwell on...when everything else is silent? One thing I've taken the time to think about is my singleness. What to do with it, how to handle it, possible causes of it. For the first time in my life, I'm genuinely okay with being single. Hmm..."okay" isn't the best word; let's go with "at home". Yes, that has a better ring to it. I'm at home in my singleness. What does this mean? It doesn't mean I've abandoned all hope in obtaining a husband, I think marriage is a great and wonderfully sanctifying thing if that's what the Lord has called you to. Being at home in my singleness is more like diving head first into it and enjoying where the Lord has me. It's cultivating a rich life without constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Mr. Right is coming. It's realizing I can still very much so be a homemaker even though I don't have a husband or children. I can make people feel loved, welcomed, and at home with me. It also means I can feel at home in myself, and while I'm not always happy with everything about myself, I do have a pretty good idea of who I am, and what I want.

Friendships mean so much more when you take the time to really digest them, savor conversations with close friends, stoke the fires of acquaintanceship, and rebuilding broken relationships. Friendship really does add spice to life.

To sum everything up, I'll describe the past few months in 3 words: joy, passion, and frustration. So much has happened, way more than I care to cover here, but do know, gentle readers, that I have not forgotten you!

Pieces of me

Intimacy is an interesting word. It has different connotations to different people. Much of the time it's linked to romantic relationships and/or sex. In what I've observed of abuse and it's relationship to/with intimacy; it seems emotional intimacy and/or abuse appear to have more of a profound impact on people (especially women) than physical intimacy and/or abuse. I hadn't really thought much about it until recently. Of course, having gone through a handful of emotionally abusive relationships (I hesitate to even use that word, because I'd rather not associate something so negative with a fairly neutral word like relationship), I may be somewhat biased in my opinion. While the physical aspects of each encounter have affected me in various ways, it's the emotional facet of each that has made the most wide-spread, lasting impression on me.

I've come to understand how important emotional boundaries are in relationships. It's about not giving too much of yourself away. I've heard so often about how with each new sexual partner a person has, they are giving a little part of themselves away, and while that may hold some truth, it can be really disheartening to those who've made mistakes in the past and are earnestly trying to do better. There are those people out there who are better at compartmentalizing (though, now that I think about it, this may not be such a great trait after all), than others, so much so, that having various sexual partners doesn't really take much from them. Hopefully that changes when they "do things right" and engage in sexual activity within the context of marriage, as God intends. Being emotionally intimate with someone, in my humble opinion, draws your heart out much more. In the end it can be way more devastating if the relationship ends or has an unexpected outcome. It definitely feels more like you've given yourself away...lost some small part of who you are.

I suppose it is this way, because emotional intimacy requires more vulnerability than physical intimacy. It gets down to the core of who you are. Yourself, unscripted and "naked" is what you're offering to someone in hopes that you will be accepted and loved. "Love me as I am", is your cry. Running into a former lover can be awkward and bring back some pretty shameful memories, but the sting isn't as bad if you weren't quite as emotionally out there. Being around someone with whom you've been unapologetically yourself, but were rejected or in some other fashion, turned away, draws out the most wretched of feelings. In a way, you almost feel dirtier...more exposed.

I say this to caution all of you. Take care not to give yourself away...physically or emotionally. While it may feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from your chest to share those deep, dark secrets or thoughts you've had trapped in the basement of your heart for years, this should only be done sparingly and with much prayer and consideration. Ladies, exercise extreme caution in sharing those thoughts with the men in your life. Guys, while you may feel honored that a woman would trust you enough to share who she is with you, please understand it may be inappropriate for you to encourage such sharing.

Anywho, this video kind of touches on this topic and also gets me in the mood for country dancing tonight. You can do a two-step to this...progressive two-step, I believe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9zmEpg5fGs

Cry from the clay

A thousand sins, painfully written
On my heart, my soul is stricken
I heartily long for You to stay
And wash, these wretched sins away

Make me new as the morn,
Please mend my heart; as it is torn.
Catch my tears as they fall,
I know You see and number them all.

When at last my soul is free
O, dear Lord Your praise will fly from me
A new life has been given
Pray I, my God, my soul be wholly smitten

Visions of Thee

Loosen the bonds that hold me back from Thee, O Lord
That I may fly into Thy waiting arms.
The view from atop my tiny thimble is nothing, O Lord
Compared to the mountain tops you call me to.
You, O God, are my Strength, my Hope, my Home
You, Father, cradle me to Your bosom when I need comfort.
Leave me not to my own devices, my own dreams, but show me my place, Beloved

In Your bigger picture.
Though my heart is wounded, weary, and scared
You, my King, long for it.
O God, my God, how You pine for me!
I am a terrible lover in that I am prone to chase after others
All the while I leave behind, You, O Faithful One.
The One who bled for me, died for me, and rose for me.

For this, Redeemer and Friend, I confess a thousand times,
I have not loved as You love, nay, not even close.
I have not sung Your praises loudly enough, frequently enough
Though 'tis a lovely melody indeed, my Rock.
Undeserving as I am, Savior, I ask that You continue to devastate me.
Make my heart, Your dwelling place, abide in me.
In deed, Beautiful One, be Thou my vision.

I need You to love me

"I Need You To Love Me"

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

[Chorus:]
But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

Random

"For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen" -Romans 1:25

I've had many tidbits of Scripture running through my head, lately. I just want to share a few.

"For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me." -Psalm 51:3

"...for the Lord was moved to pity by their groaning because of those who oppressed and afflicted them." -Judges 2: 18b

The Old Testament has caught my attention much more lately. It seems you can't turn a page, without reading "Then the sons of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord..." (this particular phrase is from Judges 4:1) I'm frequently plagued with feelings of shame for sinning, yet again. It's not so much that I expect perfection from myself, but I just don't want to sin anymore. I especially am tired of my "home sins". Home sins are those sins you keep committing, again and again. I must constantly re-evaluate my motives and my thoughts. The Lord is always refining me, and it's not particularly fun. My wicked ways are disgusting at best, but ...I am not alone. Seriously, flip through the Old Testament sometime, and see how often you read "Then the sons of Israel again did evil in the sight of the Lord" or something along those lines. Again and again, God met their sin with mercy, grace and forgiveness...after punishing them. He is a just God, and cannot let sin go unpunished, but like a loving parent, once the punishment is over, a flood of mercy washes over the wounds like a balm.

Satan tries to isolate us...divide and conquer. People of God, rejoice, for the battle is already won! Our Savior has defeated the enemy! When the question, "Am I the only one who has felt this way?" plagues you, you only have to look to the Scripture for your answer. You are NOT the only one who has had to repeatedly seek the forgiveness, mercy and love of our Father. The blood of the Lamb is sufficient to cover all of your guilty stains! You are not alone.

Chances are, if I wear a silly grin, the moment you walk into view...

Occasionally, I find myself indulging in some pretty self-centered thoughts. For instance, when I walk outside at night and the weather is absolutely perfect...not too cold, not too hot, a hint of humidity, a light breeze and the stars seem close enough to touch; I tend to think God put all that together just for me. Now I'm aware everyone else can feel the breeze, see the stars and enjoy the night as well, but maybe not appreciate it the way I do. What about stumbling across some wonderfully isolated, country road with cows, tall grass and wildflowers as far as the eye can see? Not that many people would get to see that...surely that's for me, too. Or those intensely gray days that promise rain. Usually those bring everyone's spirits down, well, everyone except me. They lift my mood like nothing else. On those days in particular I really feel pursued by the Lover of my soul.

I just want to sit and bask in His extravagant love and affection. The Lord knows what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what makes me sigh dreamily, and what will be a source of great delight. He knows me. He slowly and tenderly draws my hear out, and calls me to higher heights with Him. "My Beloved speaks and says to me, 'Arise my love, my beautiful one, and come away...'" (SOS 2:10).

I'll admit, it's hard to keep from running the streets shouting of the awesomeness of my Creator, sometimes. I suppose it's not too different from being in love with a man...except men give a dozen roses; God gives a field full. "Behold, yee peoples, the work of my Beloved! Make note of the stars in the sky, the flowers in the field, the cool breeze on a hot day, the contagious laughter of a child; all the handiwork of the Lover of my Soul!" I am proud to call Him mine, and thanks to the blood of the Lamb that was shed for me, I am His. Hallelujah!