Shaming my Savior, one sign at a time

Check out this article on MSNBC about a church from Kansas who is going around the nation protesting at the funerals of fallen homosexual soldiers.

When I first heard of this, and listened to some clips of the things these people were saying, I thought it had to be a horrible joke. However, after reading a few more pieces on the movement, I've found that it's true. Excuse me while I throw up. Perhaps I shouldn't give these fools the satisfaction of calling their ill-advised, ignorant acts a movement, but more like toxic stupidity unleashed. That anyone, much less a church group would go around harassing grieving families AT THE FUNERAL OF THEIR LOVED ONE is disgusting, disrespectful and despicable.

While I believe what Scripture says about homosexuality, I do not condone the deplorable conduct these hatemongers are participating in the name of religion. How ironic that their very right to freedom of speech and assembly was fought for by those they despise. To forever tarnish the last memories of a deceased loved one in such a way should warrant nothing less than a flogging. How cowardly does one have to be to confront a grieving mother at the graveside of her son who happens to be homosexual? What Bible are these people reading? What God are they serving? Certainly not my God. How on earth do they think screaming "God hates you" will save souls from Sheol? For those that have already passed away, it is too late; for those that are left to mourn the terrible loss of a loved one, any affection they may have had for God would understandably be called into question.

The things we do in the name of the Father ought to reflect His character, not our own. Hate comes natural to us, love does not. Let us choose to love the sinner, not their sin. To be so unloving, so malicious is borderline sadistic. Death and sin entered the world with one bite of fruit, not with the first homosexual encounter. Stepping in with such a hateful message during such a vulnerable time is a play straight from Satan's playbook.

A solider is a soldier and we should all be grateful for the sacrifices of others, be they homo or hetero sexual. This entire church is missing the point of the Gospel. They are neglecting to see the wonderful opportunity they have to minister to those who are hurting with a message of hope. Join with me in praying for this extremely misguided flock. It looks as if they need saving just as much as those that they are protesting. The gay and lesbian soldiers who give their lives in service to this country have more courage in their little toe, than these incendiaries have in their entire congregation. Again, while I believe homosexuality is a sin as is lying, cheating, and murder; I do not believe a message of hate, especially at a FUNERAL is appropriate, acceptable or advantageous. These people must be stopped.

Here's one of my favorite quotes, "Your rights end where my nose begins." I believe this is from Abraham Lincoln.

Family matters

My family is an interesting mix of people. There are the "big city slickers", the "country folk", and people living in the area in between. There are those who are uber educated, and there are those who have never even seen a college campus. Families teach us what is normal, they set the stage for all of our future interactions, relationships, and initial world view. The things taught to us by our family stick with us. God makes us who we are, our identity is found in Him once we are adopted by Him, but He uses family to give us glimpses of human depravity, love, compassion, mercy, grace, and millions of other aspects of Himself.

There is something so special about being related to someone...to know that some of who you are is because of who they are. Genetics comes alive when you realize the reason you are so much like another person is because of a microscopic tidbit of DNA. Whether it's having the same laugh, nose, quick temper, distractability or sassiness, knowing someone else out there shares that with you is an incredible feeling. Even if you aren't close to your family, it only takes one shared look, one glance at a crooked nose, one distinct giggle to make you feel known...deeply, truly known. Isn't that what we all long for? To be known? To invite someone inside? Scary as it may be, we want it. We crave it. This desire occasionally manifests itself in unhealthy ways, but it can also be such a freeing experience. To let go of your hang-ups, inhabitions, fears and doubts...to put out the "WELCOME" sign over your heart, and hold the door open wide. I am frequently surprised by my family. Over the years I've under estimated them, not understanding their immeasurable value. To think of all the love I've missed out on, the hugs that could have been; to think that I've been galavanting all over the place begging for scaps from others, when I've had a feast so close by, is a tad troublesome.

The time for change has arrived, dear friends. Let's see where God takes this.

Home is where...

Earlier tonight, a fierce storm was brewing over my humble little town. Lightening was illuminating the sky, making it almost as bright as day. The cloudy sky was filled with shadowy silhouettes, and it looked like lights were being turned on in distant rooms. As I was driving with my head out of the window, I was struck with the sudden overwhelming desire to be Home. Not in my cozy apartment or my parents familiar abode, but HOME...really HOME. I longed to take up residence in those distant rooms hinted at by the lightening bolts. I wanted to sit at my Father's feet and be endlessly content in His presence and perfect peace.

O Lord, you are my Dwelling Place, my Treasure, my True Home. You are Magnificent and Beautiful. I cannot keep Your praises from bubbling up from my innermost being. You alone are so infinitely worthy! Come quickly, my Rock, lest my heart become faint from longing. Thank you for wanting me, pursuing me, and loving me. Amen.

Broken and blessed

When you work with people, you are working with depraved sinners in need of grace...in need of a Savior just like you. Sometimes in our loftier moments, we like to think of ourselves as being somehow removed...somehow better. In especially difficult occupations/roles, our pride makes us strive towards unbreakability. While as believers, we should be unshakable, sin must not come as a surprise, unbreakability is not a trait God wants to instill in us. In fact, He wants quite the opposite.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise" -Psalm 51:17

When we accept, proclaim, and own Christ as our Savior we are reborn with a new, clean heart...made of flesh. This delicate, exposed heart could also be likened to porcelain. Fragile and easily broken. A broken heart is painful, but so beautiful in the eyes of the Lord. It's not a weakness...something to be ashamed of, NO, it is something to fall on your face before your Creator and praise Him for giving you the ability to feel. In this broken, vulnerable state, you can truly love, and love like Him.

God does not break us for His own sadistic pleasure. He breaks us to let us know He is alive, we are alive, and to rebuild us. The very moment we cease to feel, to experience heartache is the moment we cease to live. Compassion is often rooted, not in warm-fuzzies, but rather a broken heart...our fleshly heart cannot sit idly by while another suffers. Instead, it is moved to action.

Lord, may I never outlive my love for You or Your people. If ever I believe I am unbreakable, show me I am not. Thank You, Father, for every tear, heartbreak, every second of brokenness. Thank You for rebuilding, restoring and reviving me. Your mercy is undeserved, Your grace is endless, and Your love is incomprehensible. Amen.

The following song is one of my favorites. It is performed by Barlow Girls.

Broken heart
One more time
Pick yourself up
Why even cry
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

CHORUS:
You know You pray
This can't be the way
You cry You say
Some thing's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine
Of mine....

Someone said "A broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger"
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break

CHORUS:

Creator only you take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

Chorus:
You know You pray
This can't be the way
You cry You say
Some thing's gotta change

You know You pray
This can't be the way
You cry You say
Some thing's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart
Please mend this porcelain heart
Of mine of mine Creator mend this heart

all by myself with you

"I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you are to me...please, please, don't leave me. I always say how I don't need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this...please, don't leave me..." -Pink, Please Don't Leave Me


This is not a quote from a hymn...not even a modern worship song. It's a song sung by the pop artist, Pink. Funny thing is...it could have easily been something straight from Scripture.

Yesterday, I was talking with someone about how God's pursuing of me seems to have intensified lately. He's definitely wooing me all over again, appealing to my hopelessly romantic nature...a quality He Himself thoughtfully and lovingly created in me before there even was a me. There are times when I'm out jogging or hiking or even just walking through a parking lot, were it seems God brings my attention to some absolutely breathtakingly beautiful bit of nature and whispers softly, "For you, beloved."

Usually, my heart is easily re-captivated by my Father and King during these moments, but it's the in-between times that led me to start with the quote at the top of this post. How often do you stop and just praise God for His beauty? His grace? His faithfulness? His unending, undeserved love? Not nearly enough, I'm afraid. Fear not, for I am in that boat with you. None of us...not a one, could love Him back as fiercely, as rightly and passionately as He loves us. We do quite the opposite at times, actually. It's almost laughable how so often in the Old Testament we read, "...and the people again sinned in the sight of the Lord" or something along those lines. On one page we read of some amazing blessing God bestowed upon His children, then we turn the page (or even just move to the next paragraph) and read about how those same people have forgotten their Creator, the very Source of their blessings, and sinned yet again. There are times when I read passages like that and shout, "Seriously?!!" Yes, seriously. We're like that.

So often we try to live by our own might, our own power, and feel as if God is here to serve us, not the other way around. We get to the point were we think we've "got it", then we're proven horribly, horribly wrong. Then it is at that point, when we're setting up shop in Rock-bottomville, that we cry out, "please don't leave me!!" Can you imagine how much patience God has to have when it comes to us? It's just like when a child says, "I want to do it all by myself, Daddy" all the while they cling to their father's hand. I've even caught myself saying, "I want to be by myself...with people." We say we want to be left alone...as long as we don't have to do it alone. God's gotta laugh at that sometimes.

Anywho, I think the following hymn says a lot of what I'm thinking at this moment, enjoy, for it is one of my favorites. Pay close attention to the verse that says, "prone to wander...". Good stuff

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
by: Robert Robinson, 1758

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

Finding home

My life over the past few months has been nothing short of chaotic, fun, miserable, meaningful, and frustrating. For you bloggers out there, one of the most notable things that has occurred is that my computer has died. There is no bringing it back in the near future, and I've even had my Internet cancelled at home. Surprisingly, I haven't really missed having 24/7 access to the Internet (who are we kidding, what I really mean is 27/7 access to facebook). Every once in a while, I wince because I've missed an important email or message, but other than that, it's really been nice to focus my energies on other things.

Ballroom dancing has really taken over my life; it's crazy. Not a day goes by that I don't dance...even if just for a few seconds. Being a single woman can make the love of dance quite frustrating. For those of us ladies out there who refuse to step out of our role as the pursued, this can mean sitting out during many great songs...many dances not danced. The desire to be sought after does not dissipate when one steps into the dance hall. There's something about dancing that changes a woman. I don't know if it's just me, but it's almost this Cinderella experience. You're sitting there, and this wonderful song comes on, then out of no where a gentleman comes and asks you to dance. You spin, glide, laugh and get wrapped up in the rhythm, the sweet melody, and if you're lucky...your partner. It can be an intoxicating experience. For a moment, you feel beautiful, carefree and happy. Now please don't get too bogged down in the romantic side of ballroom dancing, it can be maddening when you can't seem to get the steps right, you're off rhythm, and the cologne of one of your dance partners just won't seem to wash off...even after using a Brillo pad to scrub your skin. Ah yes, even after nights like that, I still love dancing. I could go on about it, but I think you catch my drift.

I find myself becoming more settled in my life. I'm starting to get more involved with my community, and really taking a look at what being an active, productive citizen means to me. At the moment, I'm starting small...coaching a little league team, and being part of a homeless coalition. Hopefully, I'll add to my activities more over the next few years. My schedule is seriously getting jam packed each week. At first my weekends were sort of wide open, but not those are also requiring a good bit of coordination. Both this coming Friday and Saturday, I may attempt to be in 3 different places at once.

I like being busy, though. It keeps me out of trouble. I'm not sure if literally not having time to get into trouble really counts as triumphing over temptation...probably not. The real test comes in the quite. What do you think about...dwell on...when everything else is silent? One thing I've taken the time to think about is my singleness. What to do with it, how to handle it, possible causes of it. For the first time in my life, I'm genuinely okay with being single. Hmm..."okay" isn't the best word; let's go with "at home". Yes, that has a better ring to it. I'm at home in my singleness. What does this mean? It doesn't mean I've abandoned all hope in obtaining a husband, I think marriage is a great and wonderfully sanctifying thing if that's what the Lord has called you to. Being at home in my singleness is more like diving head first into it and enjoying where the Lord has me. It's cultivating a rich life without constantly looking over my shoulder to see if Mr. Right is coming. It's realizing I can still very much so be a homemaker even though I don't have a husband or children. I can make people feel loved, welcomed, and at home with me. It also means I can feel at home in myself, and while I'm not always happy with everything about myself, I do have a pretty good idea of who I am, and what I want.

Friendships mean so much more when you take the time to really digest them, savor conversations with close friends, stoke the fires of acquaintanceship, and rebuilding broken relationships. Friendship really does add spice to life.

To sum everything up, I'll describe the past few months in 3 words: joy, passion, and frustration. So much has happened, way more than I care to cover here, but do know, gentle readers, that I have not forgotten you!

Pieces of me

Intimacy is an interesting word. It has different connotations to different people. Much of the time it's linked to romantic relationships and/or sex. In what I've observed of abuse and it's relationship to/with intimacy; it seems emotional intimacy and/or abuse appear to have more of a profound impact on people (especially women) than physical intimacy and/or abuse. I hadn't really thought much about it until recently. Of course, having gone through a handful of emotionally abusive relationships (I hesitate to even use that word, because I'd rather not associate something so negative with a fairly neutral word like relationship), I may be somewhat biased in my opinion. While the physical aspects of each encounter have affected me in various ways, it's the emotional facet of each that has made the most wide-spread, lasting impression on me.

I've come to understand how important emotional boundaries are in relationships. It's about not giving too much of yourself away. I've heard so often about how with each new sexual partner a person has, they are giving a little part of themselves away, and while that may hold some truth, it can be really disheartening to those who've made mistakes in the past and are earnestly trying to do better. There are those people out there who are better at compartmentalizing (though, now that I think about it, this may not be such a great trait after all), than others, so much so, that having various sexual partners doesn't really take much from them. Hopefully that changes when they "do things right" and engage in sexual activity within the context of marriage, as God intends. Being emotionally intimate with someone, in my humble opinion, draws your heart out much more. In the end it can be way more devastating if the relationship ends or has an unexpected outcome. It definitely feels more like you've given yourself away...lost some small part of who you are.

I suppose it is this way, because emotional intimacy requires more vulnerability than physical intimacy. It gets down to the core of who you are. Yourself, unscripted and "naked" is what you're offering to someone in hopes that you will be accepted and loved. "Love me as I am", is your cry. Running into a former lover can be awkward and bring back some pretty shameful memories, but the sting isn't as bad if you weren't quite as emotionally out there. Being around someone with whom you've been unapologetically yourself, but were rejected or in some other fashion, turned away, draws out the most wretched of feelings. In a way, you almost feel dirtier...more exposed.

I say this to caution all of you. Take care not to give yourself away...physically or emotionally. While it may feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from your chest to share those deep, dark secrets or thoughts you've had trapped in the basement of your heart for years, this should only be done sparingly and with much prayer and consideration. Ladies, exercise extreme caution in sharing those thoughts with the men in your life. Guys, while you may feel honored that a woman would trust you enough to share who she is with you, please understand it may be inappropriate for you to encourage such sharing.

Anywho, this video kind of touches on this topic and also gets me in the mood for country dancing tonight. You can do a two-step to this...progressive two-step, I believe.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j9zmEpg5fGs