Dark chocolate

Before you go getting all excited, this is NOT a post about food. This is a post about being a black woman, a dark skinned, unapologetic black woman. Growing up, my family represented a fairly wide portion of the color spectrum. Light-skinned, "yella", "red", and ebony; they were my people. In high school, I first considered my place within this spectrum. Mind you, this wasn't a worrisome effort or any sort of emo-style self loathing exercise, it was merely the outpouring of my teenage curiosity. Through rigorous surveying and testing, it was decided I was a milk chocolate color. I was fine with that since everyone loves chocolate. If only that level of innocence remained past high school, and if only it were world-wide. As it turns out, not everyone loves chocolate...at least not when it comes to skin color.

Whether we consciously acknowledge it or not, we tend to classify people upon sight. It is not necessarily a shallow exercise, it's something that is ingrained in us, to make things fit into neat little boxes, also known as compartmentalizing. Our brains want order, they want things to make sense, so we mentally tick through the various ways in which people and things can be ordered before landing upon the most efficient option at the time. Occasionally, this classification is based upon prejudice, but for the most part, I'd like to believe it is personal preference. You see, personal preference is preferable to prejudice. Personal preference does not imply a hatred of someone or something, it just implies an affinity for something else. Prejudice is an affinity for one thing combined with a hatred of another.

At any rate, when it comes to human beings, the tendency is to classify first by gender then by color. It's a natural and obvious way to break things down into workable chunks. If we wanted to give this structure a label, it would be something akin to a food chain. At the top, would be males followed by females. Don't get distracted with the urge to engage in a feminist rant here, keep it moving. Each category is then broken down by color with the idea that lighter is better and black is not beautiful. When someone says the words, "black woman", many minds automatically roam to a dark skinned woman, and typically of some sort of black stereotype (loud, ghetto, and stupid). Not the most positive image in the world, but one that persists thanks to our culture. Usually when someone refers to a person of lighter skin, you start to get more positive descriptions "pretty hair" and "pretty eyes" are the most common.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, growing up, it crossed my mind that I was at the bottom of this "imaginary" food chain (I use the quotes because it is not as imaginary as one would like). Of course, with youthful optimism, I assumed it would all just work out because I wanted...no, needed it to. Like any little girl, I dreamed of getting married, being adored, and having some sort of fairytale life. Why wouldn't that be possible? I mean, it happens in the movies all the time...to the little white girls. Again, it kind of escaped my thought process that only certain girls get that happily ever after. As time wore on, I started noticing that lots of girls my age were living the dream...but none of them looked like me. The girls who looked like me were the ones always in fights, becoming baby mommas and ultimately ending up alone or settling for any man that would have them. I held on to my hope that I could rise above such foolishness, and be better; do better. Then, I started dating outside of my race in college...

After becoming romantically involved with only a couple of guys, I quickly found out that I wasn't consider marriage material. It had nothing to do with my personality or the way I treated my guys, in fact, many have commented on how well they were treated. They were "pleasantly surprised" (why would you be surprised?!). So why am I not marriage material, you ask? I am a black woman. Not a caramel woman or "light skin", but an "actual" black woman, and "no one marries those" (direct quotes from a guy I dated briefly). I have heard various (all races/ages) men say this in all kinds of ways, and to be honest, the ignorance is staggering. From the foolishness of "you gals don't want to get married anyway" to "chocolate women are for trying, not taking seriously," I have heard all manner of excuses given for why I can't be married or even simply introduced as a girlfriend. All over the world, little girls are dreaming of their happily ever after, but thank goodness the dark skinned ones don't know that it is likely out of their reach. Thank goodness they don't realize Prince Charming will only stop to ask them for directions before going after the light/white Princess. Sort of a reverse Cinderella thing.

In an odd twist of irony, I have gotten more compliments on my skin on my "blackness" not from family, but from white women. "You have amazing skin", "ugh, I love your hair!", and so on and so forth. It is a great thing that I realized in my mid-20s or so that my worth does not come from the outside, but rather on the inside. Thank goodness, I know that my happiness...my joy does NOT depend upon someone else's feelings, emotions or actions. At this point, being older, and hopefully wiser, I will continue my personal goal to change the way people think about black women. I will refuse to accept that being called "smart" or "well spoken" or some other compliment doesn't have a different meaning just because I happen to be black. I am strong, beautiful, black and proud! I deserve blessings and adoration just as much as anyone else. "Dark Girls" is a great documentary that depicts many of the ideas and concepts I have mentioned in this post. It is currently on Netflix, and I urge you to check it out and begin having intelligent, meaningful conversations with the men and women in your life.