QT4ME

It's funny how friends can help you get to know yourself. Randomly, I decided to take some little online Love Language quiz, not too long ago. I was mildly surprised by the results, thinking my primary love language was Physical Touch. Its actually, Quality Time. When I mentioned this to one of my girlfriends, she immediately said, "I can see that." Curious, I asked how she could know something like that. Her response kind of took me aback. "It's what you ask for," she said, as if I should kinda have known that.

Looking back on my friendships, and how I judge the status of a friendship, and how I feel friendships grow; her reply makes total sense. Any of my friends will tell you, I always want to spend time with them when possible...preferably one-on-one. Sitting with someone one-on-one and opening up about life is how I know I'm loved/valued. The love comes from knowing that the other person has trusted me enough to make themselves vulnerable and that they want to be around me. When starting a new friendship, I absolutely ACHE to know everything about the other person, and in turn, I want to share my heart and passions with them. I love finally getting to the stage in a relationship where you can communicate tons of information with each other without saying a word.

I guess this is why it always hurts very deeply when I encounter someone who doesn't really want to share anything with me, nor do they want any one-on-one time with me. Now please don't misunderstand me in all of this. I'm not strictly talking about romantic relationships. This applies to both platonic (male or female) and romantic relationships. One thing I've noticed about myself is that quality time with a new acquaintance is the thing I'm most afraid to ask for. Given that, QT = love, it makes sense. If that person rejects me, or if the QT is compromised by lack of connection/interest, I could somewhat easily walk away from the situation feeling extremely hurt.

Understand this, quality time is not simply just being around another person. It's actually FOCUSING your attention on them exclusively for a sustained period of time. It's about sharing your life with them, and making them feel comfortable enough to share their life with you. I don't know about others, but for me specifically, it's not about sharing abstract theories/theologies, intellectual debates, and impersonal musings. It's about communicating the things you're passionate about, sharing bits and pieces of the events/moments that have gotten you to where you are, and dialoging about where you hope to be.

candles burning at both ends.

On Friday, my mother will turn 61. With each passing year I take a closer and closer look at my parents' mortality. This may sound morbid to some of you, but others of you are probably nodding your heads in understanding. The older my parents get (my father will be 61 in October), the more I think about my own lot in life and the lots of my siblings. As some of you may know, I do have two biological siblings. A sister, 37; and a brother, 38. I don't have a working relationship with either, and I mainly know about their lives through the bits and pieces I get from our parents (even now it feels weird saying our parents). Both my brother and sister each have a child, and my sister has been married for 15 years. Now you may be wondering how my parents' mortality ties in with my brother and sister. You see, the older my parents get, and the more single I get (okay, so maybe singleness doesn't really increase, but occasionally it feels that way); the more resentment becomes a concern. Given our family medical history, I'm somewhat concerned about how many "good years" my parents have left.

The resentment comes in when I start thinking about all the things my parents have shared with my significantly older siblings. They (my sibs) got my parents when they were a young, fresh, newly wed couple. Both got the "new parent" smell. They were involved with all kinds of things, and their childhoods were like the Golden Ages. They got to go through their 20s and finding their way in life when my parents were middle aged. My father walked my sister down the isle. I remember when he had "the talk" with my future brother-in-law before he proposed. Facing my parents' mortality as a single woman scares the crap out of me. I think back to how they took care of my paternal grandfather during his last years of life, and I know they couldn't have done it without each other. Christians, I know we aren't supposed to worry about tomorrow, nor what we shall eat, drink or wear, because God will handle it, but that doesn't mean that I don't.

What if my parents pass away before I finally get established in a career, marriage, or in some other way? What if the Lord FINALLY blesses me with children, and my parents are there to share in that? Sometimes I find myself anxious to give them grandchildren just to "make it up to them". They were definitely part of the movement of "grandparents as parents". They practically had to raise my nephew (who is 15 now), because in someways, I feel my sister wasn't ready to be a mother...and she didn't chose a husband wisely. They haven't gotten to be just grandparents, because I was only 10 when my nephew was born. So not only did they have the mid-life child to raise, but they had to start over again with a grandchild that lived with them off and on.

I guess, if I'm honest, I'd say I want to make them proud. I want to be the child that has a good working relationship with both of them, went to college, got married, had a family and was just a well behaved, Christian woman. I want them to see that before it's too late. So this is where the resentment that my brother and sister "got them first", comes from. I feel as if I now have half the time to be 4 times better. Not to mention, I don't want to face their mortality as a single person because I know I will NEED the love and support of someone who's there "for better or for worse". This may sound old fashioned, but I sometimes sense that my father worries about whether or not I'll be taken care of if anything ever happened to them. Just something to think about: what do you want your parents to see happen in your life before they pass? Brings new meaning to the words "die happy", huh?

BUT DADDY, I WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, folks, I'm semi-late to work at the moment, so this post will be brief. People react differently to having a dream crushed (for lack of a better word), or in some cases having a dream put on hold for a season. Usually, the reaction is a touch on the negative side...involving crying, questioning God, anger, resentment, etc. What about experiencing relief? In some rare cases, it's possible to be relieved you didn't get exactly what you wanted. I say this because, for me, it's so easy to let a dream/goal/desire enslave me. It becomes my god, and I worship at it's alter daily, sometimes hourly. For the most part, the things I want...the things I pursue aren't bad in and of themselves, but that's before I start obsessing over them. So relief can come when God, in His infinite wisdom...and righteous jealousy, closes a door to a dream. He's not hurting you for the fun of it; He's freeing you. Christ has already set us free, but for some reason, we like to return to our old ways occasionally and get tangled back up. Eh well...just some thoughts as I'm seriously late now and about to run out the door.

Am I too heavy for you?

I was sitting here in my blue chair, singing, reading Scripture, and sipping coffee when I decided to take another stroll down memory lane, and read some old poetry and songs I wrote way back when. There were poems from ten years ago, but the one I'm about to share was written on 7/10/2003. I'm thinking the title may need some tweaking, but the original inspiration was one of my favorite songs written/performed by Mitch McVicker; called "Deeper In Love".

Soaring on Wings of Grace

Once I was trapped, shackled by my sins; life was not worth living.
Then I heard Your voice calling to me,
bidding me to make the leap of faith into Your waiting arms.
Satan and His minions mocked me, saying,
"Your Prince will never come through"
I turned to You and saw mercy and sweet forgiveness in Your eyes.
With that, I jumped...my only words being,
"Lord, I have nothing left to lose, and all of You to gain, so please...catch me as I fall deeper in love with You."

I wrote this early in my relationship with Christ...and now I find myself praying, "Lord, don't drop me."

(PS: I'm aware that the title of this post may have lead you to believe the post was going to be about something else entirely...please know that that was purposeful/for my own amusement).

Hope Gloats

I watched the Joel Osteen interview on 60 minutes. May I say that I'm SO thankful I'm a member of a church where the Gospel is loved and preached each and every Sunday? Osteen actually said he doesn't feel like he's particularly gifted, nor does he feel the need to continuously talk about Scripture and Christ. He's focused more on "giving people hope" and making them feel better (meaning, sending out warm fuzzies). The question is...what is he attempting to make them hope in? He talked a lot about how good it makes him feel when people talk about how HE has changed their lives and how good HE has made them feel. Don't mistake me here, HE does not = God, HE= Osteen. Yeah, again...so grateful for RPC.

The people you'd love to hate; only you can't

"(7) For my people are bent on turning from Me. Though they call them to the One on high, None at all exalts Him. (8) How can I give you up, O Ephraim? How can I surrender you, O Israel? How can I make you like Admah? How can I treat you like Zeboiim? My heart is turned over within Me, All My compassions are kindled" - Hosea 11:7&8

I stumbled across this verse during church today just before communion. It pierced right into my heart like never before. I actually already had verse 8 highlighted, but I don't think it's ever effected me so strongly. I immediately teared up, and would have actually sobbed if I had not put a firm clamp on my rampant emotions. This is such a beautiful verse because it shows just how much God loves us, IN SPITE OF US. He's determined to love us, and can do nothing else because that is just who He is.

FYI: Zeboiim is one of the cities that was destroyed with Sodom and Gomorrah. The same also applies to Admah.

Dark side of the jen

Yesterday I worked 11 hours in the sun...the hot, hot sun. I'm 20 shades darker, than I was at 6am yesterday. When I got home, I was glowing. Not sunburned, though...my skin actually looks pretty decent; just darker. The catering company I'm working for was chosen to be the cater for a travel channel commercial shoot! I was the "lucky" soul that got to be on site...ALL DAY....ALONE with the crew. They were filming a commercial for Anthony Bourdain's show, "No Reservations". Yes, I got to meet him. Not bad, not bad at all. I was with the crew all day as they walked up and down Elm street filming and shooting. Did I mention it was a bit toasty? Yeah...

My boss left me there by myself to wait on the crew of 20-30 people, hand and foot. "Pamper them", she said as she sped off. It wasn't too bad. I would walk around the set every 10 minutes or so with snack baskets/goodies to offer the crew. I had a "station" set up with all of my supplies. I'd walk a block and a half to offer them stuff/make sure they had enough drinks in their cooler, then walk a block and a half back to my station to refill. Needless to say, I was worn out then, and I'm still worn out (even though I just finished working 9.5 hours today). It was fun to watch them shoot, and they were extremely nice. At one point Anthony was wielding a flame thrower...you haven't lived until you've seen one used in real life. :-)

For lunch, my boss came back to drop off the food and help set up the buffet. We fed them breaded chicken Parmesan, pesto pasta, veggies al dente, salad, and Dr. Pepper cake. Then my boss again left me alone to be their servant-girl. I cleared all 20-30 plates (plus the 6 cops we had on site since we were in the highest crime area in Waco), and cleaned up as they went back out to continue shooting. After I cleaned, and sat down (for the first time all day) for 10 minutes, I was back out the door, walking the block with my baskets. I felt a little like I was in Juarez because I was walking the streets with baskets of food, the buildings were brightly colored, and there were...unsavory characters milling about. I got hit on multiple times by the characters, and once I thought this thug looking guy was going to get out of his car and either kill, rape or kidnap me. He'd spotted me, pulled up to the curb and started trying to "holla" at me, then got annoyed when I wasn't interested. The cops were not there looking out for me.

Anywho, yesterday was an interesting experience, and I got to meet a celebrity (not to mention I also got 2 hours overtime pay...woohoo!).

If I was them, I wouldn't let me in...

This may surprise some of you, but I'm a very sentimental person. I have a couple of "time capsules"...things I'd like to save for the future from important eras/happenings in my life. Some of the items in these capsules are meant for the children I hope to have one day. They are journals, letters, and other artifacts from my pre-teen/teen years on up until now. I've seen countless sitcoms and movies where a curious child or two will run across their mother's old journal. When they read it, they really start to see their mother as a person...as someone who was once just like them. They begin to understand that mom wasn't always mom. I like this idea. I wish my own mother had kept a journal, so I could have read it...maybe gleaned some hard-learned wisdom from it. When I was very young and just learning to read, I occasionally read my older sister's journal. She's 13 years my senior, so it was pretty juicy. Always about boys and feelings from what I can remember. Now, I wish I could have read her journal again...when I was a teenager. She and I don't have the best relationship, so I can't really go and ask her questions about her youth now.

Last night I was rummaging through a drawer looking for penny wrappers. Yes, I might be the only person under 80 who still wraps their pennies. It's a habit I picked up from childhood...for some reason I used to love saving my pennies and seeing how many wrapped rolls I could build up. Anywho, I stumbled across an unintentional time capsule. I have this brightly colored tin filled with small whatnots and whosits. Old things that kind of don't hold much sentimental value, but for some reason I won't throw them away. Things like the tiny, fake, white flowers I put in my hair for jr prom; the small, pink butterfly clippies I got on an orchestra trip to Galveston; buttons, dice (I don't know why I have dice), and other random treasures. I began reminiscing, and dug through some of the papers/pictures that were stuffed in this medium sized tin. I remembered how I felt during prom, on the orchestra trip and in the pictures. Do you remember how, as a teenager, you felt everything was a life or death issue? Wearing the wrong clothes to school would literally mean the end of the world. Having the box "yes", "no" or "maybe"; checked was the difference between floating on cloud nine and plummeting into the pits of hell.

As one grows up, you start to zoom out a bit. The bigger picture comes into focus just a bit more. Sort of like with mapquest where you can view the map at either a street-by-street level, or zoom all the way out until you're looking at a map of the entire state...sometimes the entire nation. Even now, I find myself zooming back in...focusing on things that really don't matter right now. I spent a good amount of time chastising myself for picking up my old "this is the end of the world" mentality, last night. I guess the point of this post is to invoke some sort of thoughtfulness...are you zooming in or out?